Around a year ago, I had a transformative experience. One that I had not consciously had before. It shifted how I approached life. It was the most important personal experience that I have ever had and I would like to share it with you.
I was feeling it and I wanted to avoid it. Lost in the emotional turmoil of rejection and abandonment. Convinced that this was “it;” I told myself that I was done trying. Meanwhile behind the rehashing of thoughts, I had the distinct feeling that it was all being watched. Some thing was watching it all, and I became aware that I was purposely repeating the thoughts and beliefs about myself in order to maintain this emotional state.
Who or what was aware of this? Was it the “real” me?
I wanted to keep the pain going. In what seemed twisted, I was feeding on my own pain. It was as if my pain was a bon fire and my thoughts were fuel. I felt embarrassed that I childishly wanted to sustain it. It was at that moment that I was faced with the choice: continue adding fuel to the pain, or feel the heartache without mental commentary. I was reluctant at first, but I chose to feel it without judgment. These words from Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, had began replaying in my mind:
Focus attention on the feeling inside you. Know that it is the pain-body. Accept that it is there. Don’t think about it – don’t let the feeling turn into thinking. Don’t judge or analyze. Don’t make an identity for yourself out of it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you. Become aware not only of the emotional pain but also of “the one who observes,” the silent watcher. This is the power of the Now, the power of your own conscious presence. Then see what happens.
(The Power of Now, 1999).
I knew this was the infamous “pain-body” he often refers to. I will let him explain:
The pain-body is my term for the accumulation of old emotional pain that almost all people carry in their energy field. I see it as a semi-autonomous psychic entity. It consists of negative emotions that were not faced, accepted, and then let go in the moment they arose. These negative emotions leave a residue of emotional pain, which is stored in the cells of the body. There is also a collective human pain-body containing the pain suffered by countless human beings throughout history. The pain-body has a dormant stage and an active stage. Periodically it becomes activated, and when it does, it seeks more suffering to feed on. If you are not absolutely present, it takes over your mind and feeds on negative thinking as well as negative experiences such as drama in relationships. This is how it has been perpetuating itself throughout human history. Another way of describing the pain-body is this: the addiction to unhappiness.
(Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose).
The pain-body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it. It can then rise up, take you over, “become you,” and live through you. It needs to get its “food” through you. It will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy, anything that creates further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, violence, and even illness. So the pain-body, when it has taken you over, will create a situation in your life that reflects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on. Pain can only feed on pain. Pain cannot feed on joy. It finds it quite indigestible.
(The Power of Now, 1999).
I was unusually excited at this opportunity. This was a chance for me to actually experience a massive transformation in my state of being. Transforming from suffering to acceptance of what is. A complete detachment from the identification to thinking.
This simple methodology of watching the mind, that you have nothing to do with it…. Most of its thoughts are not yours but from your parents, your teachers, your friends, the books, the movies, the television, the newspapers. Just count how many thoughts are your own, and you will be surprised that not a single thought is your own. All are from other sources, all are borrowed – either dumped by others on you, or foolishly dumped by yourself upon yourself, but nothing is yours.
The mind is there, functioning like a computer; literally it is a bio-computer. You will not get identified with a computer. If the computer gets hot, you won’t get hot. If the computer gets angry and starts giving signals in four letter words, you will not be worried. You will see what is wrong, where something is wrong. But you remain detached.
(Osho & Khumal, 1998).
The mind does what it knows to do, it thinks. That is the job of the mind and it does it well. It is a reliable computer that never stops working. However, for most of my life I have heard all the thoughts stored in it as who I am and who I am supposed to be. This identification essentially extracts one out of the present moment.
The inner body is the gateway to the now
I began by feeling my hands without touching them. I felt the aliveness in them. I then expanded the feeling to the rest of my body, scanning every single atom of my being. Discovering the tension I held in my face and shoulders, I gently relaxed them. Meanwhile the mental chatter was non-existent. Focusing my attention on the body effectively transferred the excess of energy from my head to the rest of my body. The fuel was no longer being added to the fire and the result was a spontaneous experience of bliss. This, after only 2 minutes of feeling the inner body. In fact, the longer I remained in the body I began to realize that the feelings I had were the result of the identification to the thoughts I had about the situation. It was a relatively quick transformation, as it did not take the usual few months to subside. Several minutes later, I was in a completely different state of being: from intense anguish to complete peace and happiness. I was fully in the present moment. Feeling the inner body was the gateway to the now.
In this culture we usually learn to identify with the pain while ironically trying to avoid feeling it. Resulting in months or years of prolonged unnecessary suffering. I recall thinking that if more people experienced this inner transformation that it would change the very fabric of our society. Which would affect one’s relationship with their own being, their interactions with others, and the planet. Can you imagine how incredibly significant a conscious embodied human collective would be?
A few days after this experience I noticed how synchronized I was with life. The people around me approached me differently, so did I them. There was a lightness in how I interacted with people. Loving others became natural. It and every other positive virtue were simply byproducts of being embodied. It really is that simple.
J, K. (n.d.). Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. Retrieved November 22, 2016, from https:// www.eckharttolle.com/article/Awakening-Your-Spiritual-Lifes-Purpose
Osho, & Khumal, N. (1998). From Unconsciousness to consciousness: Answers to seekers on the path (2nd ed.). Pune, MS: Rebel.
Tolle, E. (1999). The power of now: A guide to spiritual enlightenment. Novato, CA: New World Library.